


Letter to nowhere

by Black Hole Bullshit (orphan_account)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Epistolary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-19
Updated: 2008-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-11 06:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Black%20Hole%20Bullshit





	Letter to nowhere

_Dear Always Gonna Love Her,_

Ninety percent of me hopes that you don’t know, that you won’t ever find out. Ten percent of me thinks that if only you did… That sentence is never finished. For now, I indulge that ten percent as I recite the things that, god forbid it should happen, you may never know or realize.  
  
You took part of my soul. That may not mean much to someone who has two souls as you do, rare as the case may be. I suppose you lucked out that way. God chose you. I’m glad. I just wish there was a way we could have both been chosen.  
  
But no, you took part of my soul, and as unreal as that sounds, it’s true. I can’t say which part it was. I daresay, even, that I didn’t know it was there before you took it, and now I am here, missing it, having taken it for granted. It belongs to you though. It was always meant to belong to you; this I know, because if it hadn’t been, someone else would have taken it long ago and I would have let them. I held out though. I thought it was because I didn’t want to get hurt, but then you wouldn’t have it either. No, I must have been keeping it in me until you had the chance to take it.  
  
Intentions – You didn’t have any. I know you didn’t mean to; I know you didn’t want to. That is why I always whisper apologies to you. You didn’t want it, but you had it anyways, a burden to be forgotten if possible. I hoped it was for you. Then I found out that you hadn’t, at least, forgotten me as you were supposed to and I fear that means you haven’t forgotten this burden of yours.  
  
At the same time, I keep hoping that somehow I left you with a knowledge that no matter what, someone cares for you, and I always sort of hope that I made a good impression in your memory. The first thing, however, you already have. The second thing … It wasn’t likely the good impression I wish for. I am truly sorry. I couldn’t help it. It just happened, it was like nature. You can’t stop a tsunami. Build a wall, I don’t care how tall, you cannot stop it because it will merely knock the wall down and cause more damage if possible.  
  
Do you think you can forgive me? I doubt I’ll ever know. That hurts… I spend so much time trying to somehow whisper my apology to you, but you’ll never hear it. Maybe you heard it when I left. Again, I’ll never know because I can’t see you, can’t be with you to gather your emotions and your secrets from you. That’s a good thing, no matter how I hate it. What destruction I could do if I were around you. So many times have I been tempted… Just go and see him once, but the fear of you seeing me as well keeps me hidden as I should be. It would only hurt you to see me if you know, which I think you do, and in all selfish realizations, it would probably undo me completely.  
  
For trying to survive, I immerse myself in something else, trying entirely to escape the thoughts which most cause my desire for leaving. It doesn’t work. I’ve found love in something else, but it only seems to play along to that trouble my feelings for you have caused. Funny. I didn’t think at first that it would ever be able to connect so magnificently, but every time I start crying for this – this one thing in particular, I usually end up crying for you. That isn’t fair, is it? But none of this ever was, nor was it meant to be. That’s why God picked you. You deserved this wonderful existence. You had your hardships and other trials, and in the end you got your happily ever after, too bad for any knowledge you might have of this. Sorry if my not leaving sooner had anything to do with that. I did try. I did. And even when I came back, I stayed gone.  
  
I only wish, wish with all my heart that you could be proud of me. Nothing I do now, though, would ever make you feel that way. And while I should be trying to be everything you’d want, I can’t be, won’t be, because this is the only way I survive, you see, and you can’t see me anyway. If they ever roll film in heaven about me, please don’t watch it. Please just – don’t. I don’t want you to see anything of me. I beg of you, do not watch because I know that you, if you care in any case, which as the person you are, you would, just because, you will be disappointed in me. I can’t stand the thought, but I can’t fix it either. I couldn’t pretend everything away anymore than I already do. Forgive me for that too. I’m weak. Thank heavens that you never had me, that you would never have me. I can only be glad that you found her. Though it hurts…  
  
As always, I do love you, though I hope you don’t know. 


Sincerely,  
\- … 


End file.
